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Keep it Moist

by Humpasaur Jones

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(free) 01:32
...rappers tell me that I lost it here rocking silk shirts and bondage gear? wrong career shut up and bounce with it, stop acting counterfiet if you're uptight, I just might stretch it out a bit Humpasaur Jones, got standards and substance the reason I never take advantage of drunk chicks some guys think stupid is cute but I'm really not impressed that you puked on my shoes listen, baby, I got problems of my own got this Congresswoman calling me and sobbing on my phone seven pregnant chicks from Asheville to Connecticutt I'm not kidding, so stop giving me mixed messages ....thanks, but I'm leaving that alone, skin from the saharas, teeth of navarrone she's a VD battle zone, death on two legs so call your travel agent and get the suitcase ...she's working in a circular loop grooming recruits for future paternity suits (...and that's you) ...the punchline is all about what you didn't know from the kids at home to the carnivorous forbidden zone ohhhh...I'm here to teach the kids of today to learn tricks of the trade, with X-rated visual aids I been there and back, through the best snares and traps and survived with my pride and pubic hair intact (applause) ...rappers tell me that I lost it here rocking silk shirts and bondage gear? wrong career shut up and bounce with it, stop acting counterfiet if you're uptight, I just might stretch it out a bit people disagreeing blows my fucking mind I'm talking loving life -- whatchoo doing on the other side?
I hit a bong, sipping on some rum and cola I suck at yoga, I need naked chicks to rub my shouders the Beast is back, all hail the Lizard King until every living thing kissed this pinky ring no offense, but lately life's been so intense I ain't doing shows unless it inolves coke and sex fast moving and less than half human the rap mutant, shooting wads of black juices that hit the open air and trigger solar flares I roll with DARE officers and polar bears yo, these days, kids wanna freebase shit so I keep it old school with Dee Jay Squid it's the con job, head fuck, long lost, zen monk left brain, nonsense, pothead, chest pain work out, bench press, first down, ten left one cop, drunk rage, mug shot, front page let's hit the (beep)ing road -- making reasons up like..being freezing sucks, we'll make decent bucks and there's a lot of ladies that we need to (beep) see? it's tough, got a dirty act, need to clean it up you wanna help me? then please, take your clothes off pop some zoloft, baby, let's do the naked robot, the nah-nah-naked robot! dig it
(don't touch yourself there, you should have a girlfriend, what's wrong with you?, look, let's be realistic, here, God is watching you, you can't say that, the meek shall inherit the Earth face it, you have a drug problem, this is going on your permanent record, make it easy on yourself, just cooperate give us some names, recess is over, everyone get in line, line up straight) so right that it's wrong, another Humpasaur song everybody stand back, cuz I'm about to get it on: it's mister right with a slight twist of different dysfunctions he lives on leftovers, great for chicks with a budget twisted and blunted, ripped, stoned and probably drunk MC Huge Hefner with some quality funk plus a bike to pop in your trunk, assume it's a joke but what I do at a show, I can reproduce in your home this is dedicated to the ladies with the nipple rings this is going out to housewives trying different things all the freaky couples with the toys and props and the servants of Satan, who made a choice to ROCK (YES!!!!) (hell is a lake of fire where you will burn eternally, this is your brain on drugs, you should be ashamed of yourself, what would your mother think don't talk to strangers, LSD is grrreat, get a job) (wake up, this report card is terrible, why do you always do this?, is there something wrong with you? you sit there and you think about what you did that is the dumbest thing I have ever heard, you just don't measure up, dude) last night I drove to Hollywood shot some Paparazzi and the cops just watched me, then bought me a dollar coffee I drove back, wrote and recorded this whole track woke up with no cash, smoked the last bowlpack, shucks still moving, though, sleeping at the studio apparently, I'm just too fuckin' arrogant to do a show put the cash in my hand, I pass that to the band and we'll serve you more fury than your ass can withstand fresh flows with pepper, and pesto bruschetta with some honey pork roast from the Humpasaur Jones making you nervous, and this is just a statement of purpose from the world's most insanely perverted catering service (don't touch it, no, don't touch it, that's bad, don't touch it there stop touching it, oh, you are in trouble, no touching, stop touching it there that is very bad)
I woke up at nine, all focused and primed dumb high with the sunshine blowing my mind soft silk sheets on my naked butt I check the petting zoo but the snake is numb the wakeup routine, eggs bacon and grease ain't bathed in a week, buck naked and free, touch me ...face puffy, eyes swollen shut spent half the night throwing up coke and rum get composed with a couple dozen bowl hits and eat steak while my DJ rolls spliffs that's how we wake up after doing a show ethiopian coffee and peruvian coke assume it's a joke, let us crash at your house we will feed you and smoke your ass to the ground the kid claims it's cool...little go-getter acting like he only acts stupid but I know better watching his posture...tracking his eyes being paranoid is boring, i'd rather be high rather be nice, rather live a passionate life instead of living with it, grinning like this crap is alright people wanna know the reason I'm concieted every time you speak I get a reason to believe it
little kids having giggle fits, sipping coronas I'll drink you under the table and into a coma just speaking truth - I don't need to prove I'm hardcore I slept on cardboard, the beach and the bar floor but don't say I got a problem with booze if I do have a problem, that problem is you don't tell me you've grown up, you're nothing but quitters me and mine define freedom as running with scissors and sometimes you fall down, puncture your liver then wake up with some pretty heavy stuff to consider brotherman, I understand you lost your way that's cool, now just get the fuck off my stage then I got your friends telling me you're not the same talking strange, Moms said she watched you change broken in two, hanging out alone in your room I don't think you're gonna listen but I hope that you do rhythm and beats, is not a competition to me I'm all about good business, honest living and peaceeee you got original heat and say real shit when you speak with your gums running at a hundred fifty degrees nowwwww that kinda set has got my respect and cats I connect with made it past adolesence so it's no coincidence I'm known for different shit, is it kids? fuck no, hump jones keeps it limitless little kids having giggle fits, sipping coronas I'll drink you under the table and into a coma just speaking truth - I don't need to prove I'm hardcore I slept on cardboard, the beach and the bar floor so these days I'm all about the couch, how's yours? Hump Jones in the house I hope I've broken it down until you start to foam at the mouth, over and out (over and out(over and out)) I'm only messing with the freshest brewed coffee .... used to pepper dudes, but now I'm getting too cocky leather shoes cocky, getting head in bed at noon cocky my new hobby is sweating grooves lesser crews copy people reacting like, dude, you shouldn't even be rapping but all you bitter critics are the reason I'm laughing drinking and puking, waking up and thinking of new shit stoking the psychosis I bring to this music people should film it, when i'm leaving the building got groups of grown ladies screaming like children jumping and waving, must be something I'm saying from hollering on rooftops to drunk in the basement
to the ladies with drinks in the club, finish em up that dude's only nice cuz he thinks you're slut to all the dudes in the house tonight, yeah, you can fuck's crowded, right? whoever we're supposed to be opening for start turning lights off and closing the door it's over, no more of this rapping shit hip hop is dead and you're wack, I quit been rapping 10 years, still constantly broke either I'm stupid or I suck and it's probably both all you poodles in your studio, reading your rhymes me and chris dizzy gonna eat you alive we can take it to the stage, let the people decide you ain't got shit to say, that's the reason you lie, chump of course, I'm exactly the same, only happier, paid to be rapping and famous, all the ladies in front can't dance for shit cuz you got chubby legs and gigantic hips and to all you intellectuals who get the joke I will club you to death with my erection, bro any feminists who got a problem with this will get gobs of my jizz massaged in their tits I just cannot be offensive enough because getting attention is more expensive than drugs
I see you with a fat white dude in some ass high boots and you act like you don't me but I'm hypnotized by your liquid thighs and you jiggle by so slowly yeah, music and drinks will make humans extinct and that's a beautiful thing when I'm sober thinking up my next great move when the feds came through like checkmate, dude, it's over HOLD UP the trickster god who pissed your sister off when my opinions got a little spicy but I lost a career to weed, coffee and beer, it doesn't shock me to hear you don't like me, bay-bay basically, kids, let me explain it like this, I ain't angry and pissed, I'm just different and the vodka fluids got me talking stupid so just watch me do this long distance, listen ...yeah great, pass the mic, cuz I'm running with this shit my swollen member's got it's own agendas and I'm known back home for double dipping chips (what?) you got photographs of my scrotum waxed, yo, that's old, I'll fax you some new stuff (WHAT?) if you don't feel this track, let's deal with that, but hey, we'll be back in a few months PEACE ... but real cats know exactly how that goes we're getting mad stoned, hailing a cab home, and doing the backwards backseat backstroke whatever that means, I don't even really KNOW ... so blazed it's ridiculous, grazing on clitoris, too lazy to finish, wait, what? yo my man Chris D needs a tantric freak with a tan physique and great butt and my brother HP likes the runaway queens who are under eighteen and hate life but me, I watch for the cops and smoke quality pot because I've already got a great wife the trickster god who pissed your sister off when my opinions got a little spicy but I lost a career to weed, coffee and beer, it doesn't shock me to hear you don't like me basically, kids, let me explain it like this, I ain't angry and pissed, I'm just different and the vodka fluids got me talking stupid so just watch me do this long distance, LISTEN
something up, we crush a club with humpafunk but my fans get kicked out once a month yeah, he's fucking drunk -- that's not what I mean you're assistant bartender, not the police don't get cocky with me, that's a classic smirk and I invented it in third grade, get back to work it's crazy to blame me for your broken dreams or how your favorite waitress is coming home with me face it, mike -- you're not getting laid tonight -- every day I give wasted kids the same advice -- be entertaining, polite and maybe she'll bite probably not, be graceful, call it a loss walk away, get over your stalker phase in this modern age, that gets you locked away the uncircumcized drunk pervert guy making songs with the latest on his dirty mind I'm just trying to hit some thick college thighs and I got these poodles whining "hip hop has died" what? I give a shit if stupid kids ruined it? I'm doing this cuz music is a lubricant for groupie chicks nobody's asking you to make the sacrifice stay up half the night, try and tag a nasty-ass hermaphrodite but you did it, though, congrats dude here's a bag of fast food and condoms from the bathroom this bar's more depressing than a gang bang I keep it space age, time for a name change you're not famous till you hit las vegas drunk and blazed, with an underage hot waitress fight the cops naked, and wake up at the station facing a raging case of litigation people get pissed when the bouncer's a dick, but it's really not up to me cuz baby if it was, we'd all be fricking buzzed, plus getting in the club for free but that's a luxury, nothing's cheap, and we pay for every puzzle piece it's that evening waltz ego loss with no recovery it's humpasaur jones and my flow is so addictive, I'm known for leaving stoner chicks with motion sickness I'm not a retard, sweetheart, life is just tragic but the pain you're claiming is psychosomatic fine with me, I'm just living how I'm living and twisting hippie women into intricate positions, listen: the great american ape is truly doomed monkeys in a movie zoo, chewing on a rubix cube slaves to the matriarchy, you came to party they came to strip you naked and take your car keys you think you're rugged, but kid, you dealt with nothing like this Young Republican chicks with muzzle and whips Daddy's in congress and she's back from the tropics laughing and vomiting apologies and promises sex was orgasmic, wrecked like four mattresses smashed and broke, afterglow like torched plastic people say my space rap is getting sorta routine's important to me, cuz I feel I'm in orbit at least, you know? yeah, probably not, I'm just truly plastered acting goofy, spastic and too enthustiastic about the newest batch of nuclear weapons see, I call em -- the solution for the human infection a lot of kids got it mixed up and it's obvious why you talking shit? you should be stalking tits wasn't thinking to exhibit some survival traits my mistake -- I figured we'd be drinking like an Irish wake you know, puking time and space off of some fire escape? yeah, now that's my kinda day....
you need to relax that sphincter, baby you're all tensed up inside just relax that sphincter, baby let me open up your mind even the hot virgins are just not worth it give me a nice cougar who can stoke the balls perfect I'm serious, looking for ladies with experience with getting getting stoned and doing home video appearances and young hippies, I know it's perverted and wrong but the way she's working the bong is somehow turning me on before I make a move, I consider the basics it takes a little persuasion before you tickle her anus make sure the lube is warm enough before you stuff your pinky in that horny butt now when you rub it at first, it's gonna fuck with her nerves just imagine taking a dump in reverse that's the feeling, you could have her squealing in pain and even if it goes good, you gotta deal with the stains but if she starts moaning softly, you know that it's love so go for the thumb, time to really open her up so forget singles bars and wet T-shirt contests you don't need the nonsense when you see the process congratulations, now you know the routine addressing her emotional needs with lotion and beads
take my heart and slice it up, baby, I'll admit I kinda like this stuff ...maybe cuz your blade just ain't precise enough maybe it's love, maybe it just the taste of my blood even with condoms you're a dangerous fuck the emotional abuse should have broken me in two but every single scar gets me closer to the truth so, yeah, learned a lot, but I'm still kinda stupid she bangs out my doubts and kills my excuses it hurts and it bleeds and it burns pretty deep it's like therapy, except that it works and it's free been swallowing a lotta tough love but it's not enough once I fix the furniture and mop the condoms up I'm honestly stoned and I just want you to know that I'll take this mistake as far as it can possibly go so I wrote a slow jam song with no pants on cuz you and me are so damn wrong Verse 2: feel like a forest fire that won't die down and I've seen that disaster from both sides now god alone knows how many lost homes all over some anonymous dick from Bob Jones love is just another ongoing global war and all the soldiers are horny but mostly bored barely trained, and got no protection running around reckless with some loaded weapons and all those experts are lying to you, scientists, too -- now remember what I'm trying to do I'm only making a case for love that bleeds after that, what you see really isn't up to me if you think I'm nerd, or secretly really serving satan or even a dope rapper, that's your interpretation and what I choose to create from the music I make to this bruise on my face like wait, yeah maybe you can relate


released July 7, 2007

All rhymes and raps and what have you by H. Rumpus Jones.
All whiskey consumed by H. Rumpus Jones.

Additional vocals by Chris Dizzy.

Most beats by DJ Squid and/or DJ Multiple Sex Partners. Other beats by Prophis, Face One and Dr. Quandary where applicable.

Recorded and mixed on copious amounts of drugs at Liquid Wet Studios.

Artwork by the illustrious Metajacob North.

Joseph Ratzinger appears courtesy of the Vatican, Vatican City, Italy.

A product of World Around Records in conjunction with the Northeast Kingdom.

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