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Keep it Moist

by Humpasaur Jones

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(free) 01:32


released July 7, 2007

All rhymes and raps and what have you by H. Rumpus Jones.
All whiskey consumed by H. Rumpus Jones.

Additional vocals by Chris Dizzy.

Most beats by DJ Squid and/or DJ Multiple Sex Partners. Other beats by Prophis, Face One and Dr. Quandary where applicable.

Recorded and mixed on copious amounts of drugs at Liquid Wet Studios.

Artwork by the illustrious Metajacob North.

Joseph Ratzinger appears courtesy of the Vatican, Vatican City, Italy.

A product of World Around Records in conjunction with the Northeast Kingdom.

See also:


all rights reserved


Track Name: Vagina Dentata
...rappers tell me that I lost it here
rocking silk shirts and bondage gear? wrong career
shut up and bounce with it, stop acting counterfiet
if you're uptight, I just might stretch it out a bit
Humpasaur Jones, got standards and substance
the reason I never take advantage of drunk chicks
some guys think stupid is cute
but I'm really not impressed that you puked on my shoes
listen, baby, I got problems of my own
got this Congresswoman calling me and sobbing on my phone
seven pregnant chicks from Asheville to Connecticutt
I'm not kidding, so stop giving me mixed messages
....thanks, but I'm leaving that alone,
skin from the saharas, teeth of navarrone
she's a VD battle zone, death on two legs
so call your travel agent and get the suitcase
...she's working in a circular loop
grooming recruits for future paternity suits (...and that's you)
...the punchline is all about what you didn't know
from the kids at home to the carnivorous forbidden zone
ohhhh...I'm here to teach the kids of today
to learn tricks of the trade, with X-rated visual aids
I been there and back, through the best snares and traps
and survived with my pride and pubic hair intact (applause)
...rappers tell me that I lost it here
rocking silk shirts and bondage gear? wrong career
shut up and bounce with it, stop acting counterfiet
if you're uptight, I just might stretch it out a bit
people disagreeing blows my fucking mind
I'm talking loving life
-- whatchoo doing on the other side?
Track Name: Naked Robot Remix
I hit a bong, sipping on some rum and cola
I suck at yoga, I need naked chicks to rub my shouders
the Beast is back, all hail the Lizard King
until every living thing kissed this pinky ring
no offense, but lately life's been so intense
I ain't doing shows unless it inolves coke and sex
fast moving and less than half human
the rap mutant, shooting wads of black juices
that hit the open air and trigger solar flares
I roll with DARE officers and polar bears
yo, these days, kids wanna freebase shit
so I keep it old school with Dee Jay Squid
it's the con job, head fuck, long lost, zen monk
left brain, nonsense, pothead, chest pain
work out, bench press, first down, ten left
one cop, drunk rage, mug shot, front page
let's hit the (beep)ing road -- making reasons up
like..being freezing sucks, we'll make decent bucks
and there's a lot of ladies that we need to (beep)
see? it's tough, got a dirty act, need to clean it up
you wanna help me? then please, take your clothes off
pop some zoloft, baby, let's do the naked robot, the nah-nah-naked robot! dig it
Track Name: Ugly
(don't touch yourself there, you should have a girlfriend,
what's wrong with you?, look, let's be realistic, here,
God is watching you, you can't say that, the meek shall inherit the Earth
face it, you have a drug problem, this is going on your permanent record,
make it easy on yourself, just cooperate
give us some names, recess is over, everyone get in line, line up straight)

so right that it's wrong, another Humpasaur song
everybody stand back, cuz I'm about to get it on:
it's mister right with a slight twist of different dysfunctions
he lives on leftovers, great for chicks with a budget
twisted and blunted, ripped, stoned and probably drunk
MC Huge Hefner with some quality funk
plus a bike to pop in your trunk, assume it's a joke
but what I do at a show, I can reproduce in your home
this is dedicated to the ladies with the nipple rings
this is going out to housewives trying different things
all the freaky couples with the toys and props
and the servants of Satan, who made a choice to ROCK (YES!!!!)

(hell is a lake of fire where you will burn eternally, this is your brain on drugs,
you should be ashamed of yourself, what would your mother think
don't talk to strangers, LSD is grrreat, get a job)
(wake up, this report card is terrible,
why do you always do this?, is there something wrong with you?
you sit there and you think about what you did
that is the dumbest thing I have ever heard,
you just don't measure up, dude)

last night I drove to Hollywood shot some Paparazzi
and the cops just watched me, then bought me a dollar coffee
I drove back, wrote and recorded this whole track
woke up with no cash, smoked the last bowlpack, shucks
still moving, though, sleeping at the studio
apparently, I'm just too fuckin' arrogant to do a show
put the cash in my hand, I pass that to the band
and we'll serve you more fury than your ass can withstand
fresh flows with pepper, and pesto bruschetta
with some honey pork roast from the Humpasaur Jones
making you nervous, and this is just a statement of purpose
from the world's most insanely perverted catering service

(don't touch it, no, don't touch it, that's bad, don't touch it there
stop touching it, oh, you are in trouble, no touching, stop touching it there
that is very bad)
Track Name: Oedipalooza
I woke up at nine, all focused and primed
dumb high with the sunshine blowing my mind
soft silk sheets on my naked butt
I check the petting zoo but the snake is numb
the wakeup routine, eggs bacon and grease
ain't bathed in a week, buck naked and free, touch me
...face puffy, eyes swollen shut
spent half the night throwing up coke and rum
get composed with a couple dozen bowl hits
and eat steak while my DJ rolls spliffs
that's how we wake up after doing a show
ethiopian coffee and peruvian coke
assume it's a joke, let us crash at your house
we will feed you and smoke your ass to the ground
the kid claims it's cool...little go-getter
acting like he only acts stupid but I know better
watching his posture...tracking his eyes
being paranoid is boring, i'd rather be high
rather be nice, rather live a passionate life
instead of living with it, grinning like this crap is alright
people wanna know the reason I'm concieted
every time you speak I get a reason to believe it
Track Name: No Coincidence
little kids having giggle fits, sipping coronas
I'll drink you under the table and into a coma
just speaking truth - I don't need to prove I'm hardcore
I slept on cardboard, the beach and the bar floor
but don't say I got a problem with booze
if I do have a problem, that problem is you
don't tell me you've grown up, you're nothing but quitters
me and mine define freedom as running with scissors
and sometimes you fall down, puncture your liver
then wake up with some pretty heavy stuff to consider
brotherman, I understand you lost your way
that's cool, now just get the fuck off my stage
then I got your friends telling me you're not the same
talking strange, Moms said she watched you change
broken in two, hanging out alone in your room
I don't think you're gonna listen but I hope that you do
rhythm and beats, is not a competition to me
I'm all about good business, honest living and peaceeee
you got original heat and say real shit when you speak
with your gums running at a hundred fifty degrees
nowwwww that kinda set has got my respect
and cats I connect with made it past adolesence
so it's no coincidence I'm known for different shit, is it kids?
fuck no, hump jones keeps it limitless

little kids having giggle fits, sipping coronas
I'll drink you under the table and into a coma
just speaking truth - I don't need to prove I'm hardcore
I slept on cardboard, the beach and the bar floor
so these days I'm all about the couch, how's yours?

Hump Jones in the house I hope I've broken it down
until you start to foam at the mouth, over and out (over and out(over and out))

I'm only messing with the freshest brewed coffee ....
used to pepper dudes, but now I'm getting too cocky
leather shoes cocky, getting head in bed at noon cocky
my new hobby is sweating grooves lesser crews copy

people reacting like, dude, you shouldn't even be rapping
but all you bitter critics are the reason I'm laughing
drinking and puking, waking up and thinking of new shit
stoking the psychosis I bring to this music
people should film it, when i'm leaving the building
got groups of grown ladies screaming like children
jumping and waving, must be something I'm saying
from hollering on rooftops to drunk in the basement
Track Name: Best Show Ever
to the ladies with drinks in the club, finish em up
that dude's only nice cuz he thinks you're slut
to all the dudes in the house tonight,
yeah, you can fuck's crowded, right?
whoever we're supposed to be opening for
start turning lights off and closing the door
it's over, no more of this rapping shit
hip hop is dead and you're wack, I quit
been rapping 10 years, still constantly broke
either I'm stupid or I suck and it's probably both
all you poodles in your studio, reading your rhymes
me and chris dizzy gonna eat you alive
we can take it to the stage, let the people decide
you ain't got shit to say, that's the reason you lie, chump
of course, I'm exactly the same,
only happier, paid to be rapping and famous,
all the ladies in front can't dance for shit
cuz you got chubby legs and gigantic hips
and to all you intellectuals who get the joke
I will club you to death with my erection, bro
any feminists who got a problem with this
will get gobs of my jizz massaged in their tits
I just cannot be offensive enough
because getting attention is more expensive than drugs
Track Name: Legit Honey
I see you with a fat white dude in some ass high boots and you act like you don't me
but I'm hypnotized by your liquid thighs and you jiggle by so slowly
yeah, music and drinks will make humans extinct and that's a beautiful thing when I'm sober
thinking up my next great move when the feds came through like checkmate, dude, it's over
the trickster god who pissed your sister off when my opinions got a little spicy
but I lost a career to weed, coffee and beer, it doesn't shock me to hear you don't like me, bay-bay
basically, kids, let me explain it like this, I ain't angry and pissed, I'm just different
and the vodka fluids got me talking stupid so just watch me do this long distance,
...yeah great, pass the mic, cuz I'm running with this shit
my swollen member's got it's own agendas and I'm known back home for double dipping chips (what?)
you got photographs of my scrotum waxed, yo, that's old, I'll fax you some new stuff
(WHAT?) if you don't feel this track, let's deal with that, but hey, we'll be back in a few months PEACE
but real cats know exactly how that goes
we're getting mad stoned, hailing a cab home, and doing the backwards backseat backstroke
whatever that means, I don't even really KNOW
so blazed it's ridiculous, grazing on clitoris, too lazy to finish, wait, what?
yo my man Chris D needs a tantric freak with a tan physique and great butt
and my brother HP likes the runaway queens who are under eighteen and hate life
but me, I watch for the cops and smoke quality pot because I've already got a great wife

the trickster god who pissed your sister off when my opinions got a little spicy
but I lost a career to weed, coffee and beer, it doesn't shock me to hear you don't like me
basically, kids, let me explain it like this, I ain't angry and pissed, I'm just different
and the vodka fluids got me talking stupid so just watch me do this long distance, LISTEN
Track Name: Brainsticles
something up, we crush a club with humpafunk
but my fans get kicked out once a month
yeah, he's fucking drunk -- that's not what I mean
you're assistant bartender, not the police
don't get cocky with me, that's a classic smirk
and I invented it in third grade, get back to work
it's crazy to blame me for your broken dreams
or how your favorite waitress is coming home with me
face it, mike -- you're not getting laid tonight --
every day I give wasted kids the same advice --
be entertaining, polite and maybe she'll bite
probably not, be graceful, call it a loss
walk away, get over your stalker phase
in this modern age, that gets you locked away
the uncircumcized drunk pervert guy
making songs with the latest on his dirty mind
I'm just trying to hit some thick college thighs
and I got these poodles whining "hip hop has died"
what? I give a shit if stupid kids ruined it?
I'm doing this cuz music is a lubricant for groupie chicks
nobody's asking you to make the sacrifice
stay up half the night, try and tag a nasty-ass hermaphrodite
but you did it, though, congrats dude
here's a bag of fast food and condoms from the bathroom
this bar's more depressing than a gang bang
I keep it space age, time for a name change
you're not famous till you hit las vegas
drunk and blazed, with an underage hot waitress
fight the cops naked, and wake up at the station
facing a raging case of litigation
people get pissed when the bouncer's a dick, but it's really not up to me
cuz baby if it was, we'd all be fricking buzzed, plus getting in the club for free
but that's a luxury, nothing's cheap, and we pay for every puzzle piece
it's that evening waltz ego loss with no recovery

it's humpasaur jones and my flow is so addictive,
I'm known for leaving stoner chicks with motion sickness
I'm not a retard, sweetheart, life is just tragic
but the pain you're claiming is psychosomatic
fine with me, I'm just living how I'm living
and twisting hippie women into intricate positions, listen:
the great american ape is truly doomed
monkeys in a movie zoo, chewing on a rubix cube
slaves to the matriarchy, you came to party
they came to strip you naked and take your car keys
you think you're rugged, but kid, you dealt with nothing like this
Young Republican chicks with muzzle and whips
Daddy's in congress and she's back from the tropics
laughing and vomiting apologies and promises
sex was orgasmic, wrecked like four mattresses
smashed and broke, afterglow like torched plastic
people say my space rap is getting sorta routine's important to me, cuz I feel I'm in orbit at least, you know?
yeah, probably not, I'm just truly plastered
acting goofy, spastic and too enthustiastic
about the newest batch of nuclear weapons
see, I call em -- the solution for the human infection
a lot of kids got it mixed up and it's obvious
why you talking shit? you should be stalking tits
wasn't thinking to exhibit some survival traits
my mistake -- I figured we'd be drinking like an Irish wake
you know, puking time and space off of some fire escape?
yeah, now that's my kinda day....
Track Name: Sphincter
you need to relax that sphincter, baby
you're all tensed up inside
just relax that sphincter, baby
let me open up your mind

even the hot virgins are just not worth it
give me a nice cougar who can stoke the balls perfect
I'm serious, looking for ladies with experience
with getting getting stoned and doing home video appearances
and young hippies, I know it's perverted and wrong
but the way she's working the bong is somehow turning me on
before I make a move, I consider the basics
it takes a little persuasion before you tickle her anus
make sure the lube is warm enough before you stuff
your pinky in that horny butt
now when you rub it at first, it's gonna fuck with her nerves
just imagine taking a dump in reverse
that's the feeling, you could have her squealing in pain
and even if it goes good, you gotta deal with the stains
but if she starts moaning softly, you know that it's love
so go for the thumb, time to really open her up
so forget singles bars and wet T-shirt contests
you don't need the nonsense when you see the process
congratulations, now you know the routine
addressing her emotional needs with lotion and beads
Track Name: I'll Be Okay
take my heart and slice it up, baby, I'll admit I kinda like this stuff
...maybe cuz your blade just ain't precise enough
maybe it's love, maybe it just the taste of my blood
even with condoms you're a dangerous fuck
the emotional abuse should have broken me in two
but every single scar gets me closer to the truth
so, yeah, learned a lot, but I'm still kinda stupid
she bangs out my doubts and kills my excuses
it hurts and it bleeds and it burns pretty deep
it's like therapy, except that it works and it's free
been swallowing a lotta tough love but it's not enough
once I fix the furniture and mop the condoms up
I'm honestly stoned and I just want you to know
that I'll take this mistake as far as it can possibly go
so I wrote a slow jam song with no pants on
cuz you and me are so damn wrong

Verse 2:
feel like a forest fire that won't die down
and I've seen that disaster from both sides now
god alone knows how many lost homes
all over some anonymous dick from Bob Jones
love is just another ongoing global war
and all the soldiers are horny but mostly bored
barely trained, and got no protection
running around reckless with some loaded weapons
and all those experts are lying to you,
scientists, too -- now remember what I'm trying to do
I'm only making a case for love that bleeds
after that, what you see really isn't up to me
if you think I'm nerd, or secretly really serving satan
or even a dope rapper, that's your interpretation
and what I choose to create from the music I make
to this bruise on my face like wait, yeah
maybe you can relate